I Don't Want To Go.

(But I Won't Let You Leave Without Me)


It seems silly,
but I can't look at it any other way.

There's an unspoken contract,
a sort of conspiracy between us.
I don't want to go---
and I won't let you go without me.

So, here we sit.

All of the tickets have been issued for the trip.
There are sights to see, an itinerary.
Yet, I cannot find the strength and courage to take that first step.

Once there was sunlight in my veins,
I knew no limits.
I trusted that, together, we could do anything.
But that seems so distant, so very far from here.

It was impractical, foolhardy.
So, here we sit.

Therefore, let us pretend, for this moment, that we made no promises.
We will act as though we are free-agents---alone.
It must have been a dream---those thoughts, those ideals.

And now I feel so very cold,
tangled in the void.

If I just relax,
I can almost settle down into it.
There are certainly positives to every situation.
And yet, I am so restless, so drawn in every direction.

In this place, I cannot seem to feel---
or, perhaps, I dare not.
I reach out with one hand, but pull back with the other.
This could only be Hell.

Well---HELL-O, THEN!

We are here together,
and I cannot let you leave.
For pretending is only pretending---
but promises are forever.

That which binds us, ALWAYS FINDS US.
And, now, I have found you.
Right where I left you.

And it isn't over, I will not allow it.
I cannot, lest I cease to be.

Do you think me cruel?
Think again.

Is it not the cruelty of reason and pure exactitude
that holds the stars in their heavens,
that cradles the Earth in it's bosum?

It is the cruelty of TOTAL TRUSTWORTHINESS.

What you asked for, you received.
Be careful what you ask for.

I, too, am disillusioned.
It is not as I expected it.
Day upon day, night upon night,
I built it up to be so much more.

Yet, how could I know that secret,
cunning part of me that would
build those traps, those pitfalls?

How could I give credibility to the
image of myself as saboteur---
the enemy of the person I once swore to protect?
How can you plan for something that never
entered your mind?

So, here we sit.
I am not ready to go,
And I won't let you leave without me.

No, it is not a stalemate.
I am not a stale mate.

I'm just not ready.
And how, may I ask, can you
ever think that you could be ready without me?

No. It is YOU who are cruel.
And thoughtless.

You never believed---no, not for ONE MINUTE.
Yet you signed away your right
not to care.

Now I must care for you---for both of us.
I must hold on with both hands and all my heart.

It has gotten bigger than a promise.
It has grown into a PREMISE.

Once you have surrendered, you will agree.
It will seem to you as plain as day.

But, until then, I will wear, for us,
this shaggy coat of distain.

I will breathe these fumes of tragedy,
and walk with my head held low.

All language is a frenzied attempt to convey
a state of being, held at a distance.
At best, it achieves the status of partial payment
for a debt that increases geometrically with every breath.

Is it any wonder, when you ask me why,
I can only tell you half-truths and excuses?
By the time my truth is verbalized,
it has already grown to twice it's former size.

I'm confused.
But it doesn't bother me.
For I know that I am not alone in this quandary.
Thanks to you, I never will be.

Stop your fighting.
Sit back, relax.

So what if the tickets expire? We'll buy new ones.
What you or I CAN NEVER REPLACE is each other.

If that is too much for you,
it is no matter.
You will always have me to help you carry it.

If you like, we can pretend some more.
We will trade places in this struggle, this Game.
There will be faces and places that are
DIFFERENT and rare.

There will be visions and plans and
yes, more promises.

But, somehow, somewhere, we will surely be led back to here.
Until then, I will hide awhile because I love you.

When I return again, perhaps we will both be ready.
We'll leave our bags and fly so quick, so high.

We'll not look back, we'll only need each other.

But now, as we speak---
though I see in your eyes
desire for freedom, and eager anticipation---
I'm just not prepared to risk that departure.

So I must insist that you sit and attend me.
You don't have to like it,
just plan to be here.

Say what you like, think what you have to---
I don't want to go
And I will not let you leave without me.

Daniel Jacob, Copyright, 1992-2001.