THE GREAT DIVIDE
By Daniel Jacob
When the Guides spoke about "crossing over" in their newest transmission...........I instantly thought of a phrase that a woman friend of mine used in a recent letter to me. Her letter was entitled "The Great Divide." I salute her for such an astute commentary on our world today. The world of Relationships quite effectively embodies the whole idea of division. Women want this, and men want that. They struggle with each other, trying to get what they want. Many of them do everything they can think of, except the one thing that will make what they are looking for possible. They refuse to "cross over." They refuse to see their "other" as an aspect of self.
This transmission.........as well as the energies of this vast Harmonic Concordance we are in......have compelled me to tread (somewhat boldly) into a "mind field" of divergence, and write an article about the stalemates that exist in today's relationships.............which contribute to the creating of people being "stale mates" when they're in the "coupleness" dance.
I don't write this info from The Recons, because I prefer to personally take the "hit" that may come from introducing this line of thinking. The Guides' teachings have produced changes in me, but I am not yet ready to consider this personal translation of those teachings (or the changes) to be gospel truth on the subject. There are too many energies in play right now........too much research that still needs to happen. I'm just sketching, and we're in the midst of research and I hope you will all feel free to sketch awhile with me. I'd love to hear your own thinking on the subject.
BRIDGES ACROSS TROUBLED WATERS
I'm not going to tackle this in any logical order. I'm just going to leap into some issues that have been "up" in the universe of my perception lately. Let's begin with "third parties" in relationships shall we? It's happening these days, all over the place. It's happening, big time! I can't go too far out my door these days without having someone tell me about a "threesome" situation that has grown up in their marriage, or some boyfriend-girlfriend situation that is on the rocks because a "third party" somehow came into the picture.
Before beginning this discussion, I would like to separate our consideration of Triangulation in Relationships from the practices of "open marriage" or "polyamory," which represent conscious choices about preferred lifestyle, which are made in advance of going into a relationship. I find that mixing these types of situations muddies the water considerably about the issues that mainstream folks are facing, and seeking to reconcile within themselves. I do love to speak about the other subjects........but for now I say: "One thing at a time!"
I would suggest that you consider the following insights as applied to situations where couples have made conscious choices to be exclusive in their relationships, and then find that one of them has "fallen" into a state of confusion that appeared to be quite unplanned, and needs to be dealt with lovingly and promptly. For the time being, I would like to exclude all consideration of Triangulation as a lifestyle. Let's just concentrate on the thousands, if not millions of situations where two (or shall I say three) individuals suddenly find themselves deeply involved in it as a matter of happenstance. So......here we go.
Having danced the dance of "Just We Two" in every way imaginable, people are now bringing "Dance Instructors" into the equation by the truckload. In the beginning, these roles can be played by in-laws, friends, employers, children, or anyone else who seriously vies for the affections and attention of one or both partners in a committed relationship. Indeed, every person of influence that is added to that original twosome is meant to be a "teacher" of sorts. How much they teach depends upon the attitudes of those involved.
And now it gets stickier. There are also partners who are inadvertently going out into the world, and bringing back "lovers"......who they eventually reveal (either willingly or not) with their wife or husband. In most cases, the mate instantly says........."What do you need HER for? You have me!" And a battle begins. Sometimes the original relationship just stops. But in other cases, there are huge backlashes. There are pleadings, tongue-lashings, neighborly gossip, and any number of social manipulations, to "try" the minds and hearts of those involved.
As we observe this phenomenon today, let us step into that query..........and ask the same question, but without all the judgments and separation illusions, okay? If a mate goes out into the world and brings back a "third wheel".........it's really an aspect of YOU who has done that, isn't it? We're speaking now according to the insights and teachings of The Reconnections.
Instead of focusing on just one place of connection and relationship, you fragmented that place into two (or more) players........in order to learn something. And, in this situation, you did it from the "second person" position, which makes the whole matter seem so frustrating and mysterious.
I was talking with someone recently about a "threesome" dance that was occurring between a man I know and two women. There were some fireworks involved, as each of the ladies expressed their consternation (and interest) in the presence of the other! Even though the parameters of these connections were clearly spelled out (everyone was free to do whatever he or she wanted), the women were verbalizing their disdain over the fact that this man expressed interest in someone else, and actually intended to pursue both connections. A man in the same situation, who has to deal with another "suitor" for his girlfriend or wife, may just go out and shoot the guy, and be done with it.
When she heard a few of the details, my listener intuitively commented: "Why doesn't that guy just step out of the way? It's very clear that those women are enthralled with the need to get together! He's just the Bridge for them." This got me really going, as I realized the truth of her words. She even included a Freudian Slip in there, by calling him "The Bride"..........instead of the "Bridge." She left it in, because she knew the implications provided by such a statement.
THE HIDDEN AGENDA OF "INFIDELITY"
This is just an alternative view. Some of you may receive it, and some may choose to pass it on by. When a dance partner goes out and brings (either directly or indirectly) someone "else" into a relationship, of either sex, he or she is doing it more for the benefit of the partner that is already there, than for him or herself.
Remember, the original question was: "What does he need her for? He already has me!" The alternative response to this question would be: HE DOESN'T NEED HER. YOU DO.
The shock and dismay that a person feels, when he finds out that his partner is "cheating on him," is believed to come from the fact that he senses his partner is saying: "You are not enough." The implied insult of this interpretation is a huge distraction, and it muddies the waters tremendously.........even to the point of capsizing viable relationships under waves of jealousy, projection, and shame. Indeed, if grounding is what is needed, then the inclusion of those elements is fine. You can definitely ground yourself with this kind of stuff. In fact, if you were a whale, you'd could easily "beach" yourself with them.
But really, in a Reconnections sense, that would simply be shadow-boxing with a straw man. The Guides are often saying to me: "What you are concerned about is NOT NECESSARILY what is really bothering you." They go on to remind me of the old saying: "You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." They reason that, if I am thinking that I know something, and yet I am not "free"................then I am deceiving myself. I don't really know the truth. I only think that I know something. And that is what is keeping me stuck.
A man or woman who has been "cheated on" is riding high on a sea of shame and anger. She says: "I am not enough, and he had to go out and get someone else." Or, she is saying: "He is a pig. He only thinks about what he needs. He doesn't care about me at all!"
But truly...........these are separation statements. Have we not heard from The Reconnections that everything and everyone in our world is a mirror of self? And, if this is true...........who is the "self" that was motivated to go out and seek another face to embody the wholeness of who we all are? Who is being the "pig" in your personal You-niverse? Who is it that "wants it all?"
Whenever we point our finger at someone, we must remember that three fingers are also pointing back at us. Look at your hand and see what I mean. Maybe that "other woman" is not an "other" at all. Maybe she is just another reflection of YOUR face that you have forgotten. And, since your husband has been fishing around inside of you these last few years.........he has gotten an intuitive "hit" of what you're seeking..........and, like a faithful "cat" on the prowl.........he has gone off and caught himself a "mouse" that he can bring to your doorstep........and say: "Look Mama. See what I found?"
Could it possibly be that your statement of "I am not enough" could be replaced with "I am much more than I thought I was." After all, we have a situation here where the SAME MAN has elected to develop intimate ties with two women. They BOTH offer him things that he needs. Is it not possible that they both offer things that each other needs as well?
I realize this is radical. It goes against the grain of everything we have been taught about life and relationships up till now. But it also liberates. Oh, yes it does! Once you get past the reactivity and the "alien" nature of this viewpoint, it kicks butt!
THE SHADOW DANCE
We have often argued in our Research Forum about the effectiveness and need for "shadow work." For those who have never heard the term, I would suggest that you review the highlighted link before going further. Otherwise, you run the risk of throwing up over what I'm going to tell you, and leaving the party just before things start to get good! We've had this happen a lot in the Forum as well.
A person who offends or sickens you is simply the flip-side of a person you adore and idolize. They each have one thing in common: You are honoring (or rejecting) something in them that you have forgotten also exists in you, (It would have to exist in you, since you have seen it and named it. You also have a huge emotional "charge" around it, which says a lot).
When two women are fighting over the same man, they are really fighting with the knowledge that each of them is a mirror reflection of some aspect of the other. They are Shadow Boxing. Each wants pre-eminence in his life. But what my listener told me is: "The guy" is not even the issue. He is just a "go-between." He is a connector of lost parts. How do we know this? Because he is fine with things, just as they are, and the two women are in a complete dither. He is loving both of them, even though they cannot love each other. He is the BRIDGE for their Reconnection with All That Is.
HOME-O-PHOBIA
One of the first reactions that people have to this insight is to leap to the conclusion that it seems to imply that their mate is secretly gay. It does not. In my explorations of Shamanic Androgyny, I tried to explain the awakening of the "Gate Keeper" Aspect in transforming humans of today. We are each discovering the "masculine" and the "feminine" resonance in each of us. We are no longer defined or confined by our gender. We are ALL OF IT, and that is making us quite uncomfortable at this time.
Androgyny does not mean that you are "gay." It just means that you are becoming "balanced" in your nature--and receiving back any perceptual tools and sensitivity that you may have lost because of your over-identification with gender "roles" and an under-identification with what you may be feeling in any given moment. When a man says "I am heterosexual," (he usually adds "Hell, yeah!" when he says it)...... he is not necessarily saying that he prefers having sex with women. We need to examine that closely. He is only saying is that he rejects the idea of having sex with a man.
When a woman says: "I am not a lesbian........" she is not necessarily voting in preference of men. Instead, she is backing away from a certain lifestyle, an identification with a particular way of expressing her femininity. This is not about preference, in my experience. It's about counter-preference. (Is that a word?)
Underneath it all, what we really fear is RECONNECTION.............losing the separation and polarization "roles" that keep society decelerated into the fixed position it has been experiencing for a couple of thousand years. And, even though Universal Oneness is our natural "home," we are quite afraid of it. We are afraid it means we will end up alone, feeling strange about who we are, and we will be outcast in society.
Two men who are fighting for the affections of one woman (who dearly loves them both) are really fighting against the idea of joining their soul energy, their bodily fluids (!), and their time schedules with another of the same "sex".........another who more clearly wears the Shadow Self they have been seeking to avoid. And, in such cases, even the woman (the bridge) is baffled by the situation.
Writing the whole situation off as "I am not gay (or weird, or whatever), so I cannot participate in this".......is a flat denial of the subtle forces toward Alchemical Blending that are working their way through society, even as we speak.
And, once again, I am not saying that any partner would ever, ever, ever have to join with another person sexually in this bargain, or that they would even be required to want to. We're just trying to consider whether or not one way of "loving the shadow self" would be to grant entrance for that "fragment" to spend time intimately with their "beloved"........and try not to run screaming into the night.
Instead of automatically concluding that your husband or wife or lover is a philanderer, a cheat, a whore or a louse--is it possible that, when we find ourselves in these edgy situations, we could grant ourselves (and our mates) the opportunity to work through all of the feelings with us.........to share what the attractions are, and for us to express what the fears and repulsions are? Growth and spiritual expansion comes to those who can accomplish this. And then, whatever you decide will have more of a genuine glow of truth to it, rather than a heavy weight of judgment, resentment, and projection of blame and guilt.
As the transmission says...........All of us, in so many ways, are CROSSING OVER into something entirely new. Our Guides and Leaders are holding the waters apart for us, so we can cross over into freedom. This doesn't have to mean death (though, at times, it might feel that way). This whole area of concern is just one tiny piece of that, though it is a significant piece. After this, comes an examination of our attachments and investments in money.........possessions.........religious beliefs, nations, philosophies.............children (oh boy, that's going to be a lulu!)..........and eventually our strong identification with just one physical body.
As the Sufis say: "We must learn to die before we die." And that is what the Reconnection Universe is all about. It's a place of laying aside what is holding us down.........what is keeping us from FLYING HIGH above the worldly dramas and struggles that keep our souls enslaved.
As Moses said, so long ago.........."Let my people go!"
Who was he talking to? Only a Pharoah? Or was he, perhaps, speaking to all people, across time, who feel they have the right to own and enslave any soul, for purposes of personal security or emotional agenda.
I'm not saying that I really know anything about this. For now........I'm just asking.
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Copyright, 2003, by Daniel Jacob. All Rights Reserved. May be copied and shared for purposes of personal growth and/or research. All reproduction for profit, by any means, requires the written permission of Reconnections, Inc.
DISCUSSIONS ON THIS TOPIC (click link)
Welcoming the "Other" In (some examples)
Frustrations in Marriage and in Christianity/Shared Lovers
Immasculation and Demonization of the Male Impulses
Is it Monogamy if it isn't Enforced?
"She's Turned On, and She Wants It"
A Multiplicity of Selves and Needs