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LAUGH OF THE MOMENT

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

(When You're Old and Can't Move Very Fast)

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house,” and he said “no.”

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don’t mess with old people.

THE SENSITIVE MAN (click here)

I think we've all spoken to this guy at some time or other........

Ah, alas........sad, sad........

Well..........It's been confirmed...........

McDonald's Has Reached Africa!

TATTOO OF THE YEAR

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

My Dear son Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

Never Piss Off a Guy who owns a backhoe

The 5 Top Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2006

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

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Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but

she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006....

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say! if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."

DANCING WITH THE SHADOW!

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS

Click the Pic

ALL GOD'S CHILDREN (click here)

IT'S ALL BACKWARDS!

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You enjoy life, you party, and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!

POLLY WANT A CRACKUP?

click here

ZEN SARCASM

click here

Ugh! Too much Jack Daniels!

SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT AGING.....

Seven Reasons NOT to try to outsmart a kid!

THE BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 2004!

When you are in deep trouble, Keep Quiet and try to look in conspicuous........

Just my luck! The Pot at the End of the Rainbow!

Bumper Stickers

4 out of 5 voices in my head say 'Go For It!'

43.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

A bad day of fishing turns into a good day of drinking.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conscious is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

A fool and his money are my best friends.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A man decided not to report his stolen credit card because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A man is not complete until he is married - then he is finished.

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

A pessimist is never disappointed.

A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

AN OLD HOME REMEDY FOR THE CRANKY. . . . .

Never be afraid to say what you think! Click HERE

G.I. Ingenuity!

This is a Dear John Letter that backfired. Great thinking.
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter ... You gotta love a man
like this. Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had
slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with
him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to
his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to
his girl friend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send
the rest back."

Farm Cats

What happens when you have. . .

1) nothing to do
2) a sharp knife
3) a large lime
4) a patient cat
5) too much tequila

6) and it's football season?

ANSWER:

scroll down..........

Tequila Cat

(Brother to Tequila Mockingbird)

One of my dear friends told me the other day that she recently sent a Birthday Card to her sister with the following caption:

"God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends."

Life behind bars!

Nature Photos with an Obscene Theme

Astronomy Picture of the Day

Hamilton, MT

Black Butte Ranch

This photo (below) was taken between Black Butte Ranch and Sister's Oregon at the Deschutes National Forest on Sept. 4, 2003. Some people were driving down the road and one them happened to look up and see it. She jumped out of the car and snapped the shot. Within seconds of taking the picture it was gone like it had never been there. The unusual formation was actually a smoke plume from the nearby forest fire. - Lesley

Deep Emotion has a way of expressing itself, does it not?

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off. The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

O.K., that's enough of that B.S... The fact is, the donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and bit him. Then kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and bit and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.

The REAL Moral:: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Have a nice day. :)