YEAR'S BEST [actual]
HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on
Governor's Daughter
[imagine that]!


Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[ no, really]?


Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far]!



Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly]!



Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!


Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
[no-good- for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!




Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[se e if that works any better than a fair trial]!





War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]




If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
! [you think]?




Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thunk it]!




Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something]!



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?



Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he! probably IS the battery charge]!



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough]?



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]



Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]



Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]




Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy , are they tall!]




And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that sign right?