Spirit-Led Sexuality:

Turbo Power for Ascending Humanity

B Y   D A N I E L   J A C O B

(with selected writings by Gregg Palmer)  

Series Index


Many of us have heard the phrase---while being informed about some wondrous new, sensual pleasure---“It’s better than sex!”  And so many have asked:  “What, indeed, could EVER be better than sex?” 

The answer, of course, is:  NOTHING.  That's why Sex is SEX!  When something sensual reaches a certain level of compelling “goodness”…..it simply BECOMES a form of Sex!  And food---which is often described in such superlatives as mentioned above---is so “second chakra” that there are many dishes which deserve to be described in sexual terms.  “Chocolate Decadence,” for example.  Who can miss the sexual innuendo in that? 

I once began a Reconnections Conclave with the words:  “Ever since I gave up sex for food, I can’t even get into my OWN pants.” 

A few people snickered, some looked at me blankly, and quite a few immediately lapsed into a tiny bit of judgment.  After all, I am a large man, and it’s not okay for large people to make “fun” at our own expense, is it?  It’s like hearing a black person use the “N” word while speaking before a group of white folks.   

But enough of that.  I’m over 60, I love food, and my sex life is not over!  But I can say that I’ve changed focus and priorities in these areas several times in the last ten years or so.  I’m more discriminating about how deep I allow myself to go in relationship than I was in my 30s and 40s. And my choices are not affected as much by morality, as by the QUALITY of the connection.  Because sex is such a powerful INSTANT DOWNLOAD of energies from another, I am constantly asking myself:  “Is this connection WORTH the time and effort that it will require to integrate these unknown energies?"

There was a time when I NEEDED to have sex just to prove to myself that I was “normal,” that I was still connected to vibrant humanity.  Sometimes, I'd mumble afterward:  “I guess I wanted to find out if the equipment still works!”  Not any more.  With a QUALITY CONNECTION, the “equipment” ALWAYS WORKS---because the emphasis isn’t on “equipment,” is it? The more we mature in our attitudes towards sex, the more our WHOLE BODY becomes a sex organ, not just certain “parts.”       


I’ve recently been enjoying some powerful e-mail discussions with a young man in England named Gregg Palmer.  Gregg and I have spoken before---but we hadn’t gotten as deep in our sharing as we’ve been lately.  One of his most recent letters to me began as a grand mixture of energies.  Part of it felt like a desire for emotional support---because of something he’d just gone through with his young lady. The other part sounded somewhat like a cry of victory.  At his young age, Gregg seems to be finding mastery in areas of life that most don’t achieve in a lifetime.  

I was struck by Gregg’s sincerity, his respect for the Reconnections Work, and his poetic way of describing whatever experiences he is having at the moment.  Like many gifted folks who come my way, Gregg has been “drafted” as a co-laborer with me in understanding this New Paradigm of Relationships and Sexuality that is unfolding all around us.  My thanks to him for his permission to share this ongoing work with you all. 

Gregg began a recent narrative to me thusly: 

Hi Daniel....."DEPRESSION appears to be a temporary middle ground that is being formed, while people struggle within themselves to move out of the control position, and into something else."

I thought I'd start with one of your own quotes as it has much meaning for me. By way of some kind of understanding I would say that the last two and a half years I have been possessed by Eros. I was in a madly passionate relationship, where Eros consumed us both,  leaving things empty---and revealing to me the ever deeper and darker nature of passion, the lust for power through the lens of sexuality, and control.

My girlfriend and I were twin flames caught in an electro-magnetic storm of lust and love and passion. The loss of her Daniel……. well I have never known anything like it. She left me for personal reasons, and when she returned, I chose not to go back into the relationship because I had come to see the power of the addiction that had formed between us. The power of the “darkness” that moved through us was so strong that I was scared of losing my life and purpose in the addiction.

As I re-read this section of his first letter, my mind is drawn to the Psychologist, Paul, who is played by Gabriel Byrne in that brilliant HBO Series “In Treatment.”  My Blog Talk Radio Co-Host and friend Gwynne Mayer had turned me onto the series---though it took me a year to finally  begin watching. Once engaged, it was hard to find time for anything else. 

(spoiler alert---I do reveal some important plot points in the following paragraph.  If you plan on getting into the show, you may want to avoid reading further, and skip down to Gregg’s next group of writings!)

In one of the instalments, Paul had decided to leave his marriage and pursue a (forbidden) romance with a beautiful lady physician, Laura, who was 20 years his junior.  After many weeks of fruitful deliberation about whether or not he should give in and go to her, Paul found himself face to face with a half-naked Laura, in the bedroom of her home.  She was close enough to him that he could feel the heat coming off her body---but he couldn’t find the strength or resolve even to touch her.  Instead, he found himself sweating like a schoolboy, frozen with an anxiety attack.  When speaking later to his own therapist and mentor, Gina, he remarked:  “I felt like was about to be swallowed by something---by everything.”  He literally fled from the house, an act which ended not only the relationship but also the first season.  I can hardly wait for Season Two!   


Gregg continued his story………….

I had come to be almost possessed by what I call my “sexual predator” and my “sexual vampire”, which surfaced during the progression of the relationship. The destructive power was so strong that it utterly destroyed our connection. This leaves me so deeply sad as I write because we are both such beautiful children inside, who got caught in an anima/animus possession, to use some Jungian language. 

We did love each other though---more than anything… Eros was just too strong. I have never known passion like it in my life and I am still trying to come to terms with the power of something that was too much when placed in the hands of these two children. It has left me feeling damaged, and for the first time in my life, I feel ruined. When I let her walk away I felt as if I was letting my destiny walk away from me--- that I had betrayed my destiny. It was a worse feeling than the deepest pain that has ever touched me because I was the one who caused it this time.

So the split was between my craving for her, the utter belief that she is/was my twin flame, and the desire to be free from this destructive process in case the transmutation went sour and "hell" got the better of me. So I chose the second option. Not from fear, but from a part of me that is not based on the lust for power. I believed that she was my twin flame and I walked away from her. The choice I made in leaving her, well I am still trying to work out the truth of that.

When I did your exercise of writing with one hand and then the other* I found that the reasons to be without her were freedom, exploration, possibility, potential, away from the destructive nature of the relationship and all that came with it, the addiction etc.

What was strange was that when I wrote with the other hand for reasons to stay, all the reasons that came through in that moment were all based around controlling her, about power over her, ownership of her. All of this has left my relationship to Eros, to passion, feeling damaged. I read your stuff about the void (formed when an individual wants to move into a new space where control is not the name of the day), about depression.....it all makes sense to me, and I feel your writing on these matters and what the Recons say about all the buried shadows etc, speaks volumes of truth that are definitely congruent with my experience.

Before I made this decision, I would have rather died than live without her---because I felt that she was my other half and I was betraying my destiny by choosing not to be with her. Things became clearer though, after I did the exercise. I did not want to make a life choice based on such a “controlling” part of me.

One question that remains strong is: should I have followed my addiction to the end or was it better to walk away from it? I don't know the answer to this and any ideas would be welcome here. After everything it seems that so much of my passion was fired by deeper issues of power and control and maybe this is a letting go somehow of this so that I can hopefully learn to share again in the playful joy of childlike lovers in the Garden of Eden. That aspect was also there between us, but the dark side of sexuality seems to have won that particular battle….. and oh, how that can leave one ruined on the fringes of hell, ready to battle yet another dark night of the soul to regain, yet again, the innocence and purity of faith. It’s certainly hard stuff, Daniel… isn't it?” 

And friends...What are YOUR thoughts about Gregg’s dilemma?  Would any of you like to share? (click link)  He and I believe this issue is not confined to simply one man and one relationship. 

Each person’s needs are different---as is his or her approach to life.  We’re not asking what you think Gregg should do.  Rather, we would love to hear what YOU WOULD DO (or what you have done) when faced with this kind of personal dilemma?  If you DO write, please tell me if you don’t want to have your ideas published, or if you want them published anonymously, or if you’d also like to include your name and e-mail.  

This series is meant to build bridges---across the generations, and between the sexes---helping folks understand how to move from Old Paradigm Relationship Patterns (filled with guilt, unmet desire, loads of expectation, disappointment and fear) to a whole new way of being.  Gregg, like many members of our Next Generations, came in FREE of certain hang-ups in these areas.  He is accustomed to giving his ALL during vibrant encounters with others.  In my opinion, he has many of the earmarks of what the Reconnections refer to as a "Sexual Integration Facilitator."  However, he realizes that the determiner of who hangs out a shingle for that type of service is in the hands of those who require help---not the ones who think they "know" something! 

As it must be with New Paradigm Education, our Next Levels of Sacred Sexuality will often switch roles---between "teacher" and "student"........between "initiator" and "responder."  Sometimes it will be the teacher who learns!  And that, too, is as it should be.  There are no experts where we're going now.  We must each go forward into an uncertain future (filled with surprises)......like bare-assed babes......learning, feeling, touching, growing........and so it is.

Stay tuned.  This topic should get more and more interesting, as time goes by.  And if you all contribute as well---it could be even more so.   

***The exercise Gregg is mentioning involves using one’s dominant hand to write about what he or she is CONSCIOUS ABOUT, concerning some situation in question.  Then, on the flip side of the paper, one uses his (or her) non-dominant hand to insert ideas or desires that may stem from some “other” source---supposedly representative of the sub or unconscious self.  One great application of the exercise involves dialogues between the “adult self” and the “inner child” self.  The faltering, erratic nature of writing with the non-dominant hand nicely simulates the awkwardness of dealing with the “shadow aspects” of self.   



Copyright, 2010, by Daniel Jacob, where noted, and Gregg Palmer (also where noted).  All Rights Reserved.